Healthy Relationships & Interpersonal Violence

y violence in Canada rises in: 2020

Good afternoon. How are you? I'm pretty good. Tired.

I believe you're our first grade 11 featured Falcon. Can you tell our listeners about your experience at Marion Graham? It was really weird. Because I started my first year was like the year COVID hit really bad. Like I came into high school with all the new changes in the school trying to figure everything out. Because there were like quarters and points or whatever, to our classes.

Have you participated in any school sports clubs, or Yes, I was in the musical. And I was also a part of the shoe team. It's mine now. Can you like tell us your experience in the musical or to your team? Well, I wasn't really a major part of the musical. I did set design so I like designed painted the sets and on the cheer team. It was really interesting because last year we only had six people on the team including myself. Yeah, a lot of people quit. But this year we have a pretty good team and it has really brought us together. Oh, that's good. Um, what's your favorite part of man Graham, but my grandma definitely the servery ladies, those ladies are so sweet. They're so nice. So you're going to see you next year as well as I am. Are you excited or nervous or anything? I am

So nervous because after this year, like, I'm, you're probably feeling the same way. But after this year, we have to go into like the real world, oh my god, I'm like, I need to get my life together, like, figure out what I want to do. I'm scared for that. Like, what are you gonna do for the rest of your life like that's like, based on what you do in university, basically, you have to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life in a year.

It's crazy. And then like graduation finals, like getting you're getting into university.

Okay, and we've heard that you have like, things to add on to our episode topic. Do you want to expand on that? Well, um, I have an aunt, who within a very toxic relationship, and it honestly didn't just affect her, it really affected everyone around her. Because anytime, like, anything was going on really bad with that. Everyone had to step in. And it even one time resulted in, like my house being broken into. Yeah, that's like, really bad. Like, the statistics on this topic is crazy. Yeah. Like I was doing research because like, I have to read the script and all and it's like, even women like getting murdered about their own workplace and stuff. And it's crazy. And to think that other people will get involved, even if they're not in the relationship,Absolutely horrible. Well, anything else you'd like to add? I'm not really.

For more insight on this, we have a guest, Miss Laverty, a psychologist and a teacher at our oldest program with us today. How are you today? I'm doing great. Thanks for having me here. Of course. Can you tell us a bit about yourself? Sure. I have been teaching at Saskatoon public schools for 18 years, I was a consultant for the school board. In an indigenous capacity I worked for the First Nations Inuit and maytee unit downtown at Central Office for four years specializing in trauma informed practice and how to incorporate culture into the classroom. I am completing my coursework in a master of counseling program online and my specialties are the impact of stress and trauma. Can you tell us a bit about intimate partner violence Absolutely. Intimate partner violence, also known as domestic abuse refers to multiple forms of harm caused by a current or former intimate partner or spouse, intimate partner violence can happen in many forms of relationships, like marriages, common law or dating relationships. It doesn't matter the gender or sexual orientation of the partners, it can happen at any time during a relationship and even after it's ended. And it doesn't matter whether the partners live together are sexually intimate with one another or just simply dating. Intimate partner violence can occur in both public and private spaces as well as online which seems to be very popular currently. And it often involves abusive or aggressive behavior that's meant to frighten hurt, manipulate or control someone. Interestingly, abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. an abuser uses intimidating hurtful words and behaviors to control their partner. In Saskatchewan, we actually have specific legislation on family violence of this nature to combat the prevalence of it. How long have you been working or learning about victims of intimate partner violence? Well, I have been working on my Master's for three years, and I have been teaching for 18 years in my teaching career. I'm a social sciences teacher by nature. So I have been teaching life terms and psychology for 18 years. Are there any warning signs that can help you identify if there is an abusive or violent relationship? Before we actually go into the warning signs? I think the most important thing to share right now is about consent. Consent and duty to report are really important aspects of a relationship between a student and teacher and between a client and a counselor. So what duty to report is or what it means is that if us if a young person discloses abuse or harm to an adult, that adult is required by law to report it to social services or the police. So when we're talking about wreck

agonizing abuse and other people and recognizing abuse in ourselves, we always ask people to come forward and share with a responsible adult what's going on, we also have to acknowledge that that adult is then bound by law to carry it forward and report it to police. And could you tell us some warning signs that can help you identify if it's a violent relationship? Sure. It's not actually very easy to identify domestic violence all the time. Some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts really subtly and gets worse over time, you might be experiencing domestic violence. If you're in a relationship with someone who calls you names, insults you or puts you down if they prevent or discourage you from going to work or school or seeing family members or friends. If they try to control how you spend money where you go, maybe the medicine that you take or the clothing that you wear. Maybe they act jealously, or possessively, or accuse you of being unfaithful, when you know you haven't, they might get angry, overly angry when you drink when you're away from them or have fun with other people. They eventually threaten you with violence or a weapon. They could hit kick, shove, slap, choke, or otherwise hurt you. Sometimes there's forced or coercive sexual contact, or engagement in sexual acts against your will. And often, perpetrators will blame the victim for his or her violent behavior and tell you that you deserve it. If you're in a same sex relationship, or if you're bisexual or transgender, you might also experience abuse. If you're in a relationship with someone who threatens to tell your friends, family, colleagues or community your sexual orientation or gender identity, they know that you're trying to hide it or keep it to yourself, they might tell you that authorities won't help you because of your sexuality or gender identity. And they might justify abuse by questioning your sexuality or gender identity. If a person isn't sure that the relationship is abusive. In the counseling office, or as teachers, we spend a great deal of time exploring the details and learning about the patterns that can be observed. For example, if you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize the pattern that we talked about a lot in social media, which is someone threatens violence, then they become violent, then they apologize or bring you gifts or promise to change, then the cycle starts all over and repeats itself over and over and over again. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the physical and emotional toll will be, you might become depressed and anxious, anxious, or you might begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself, you might feel helpless or paralyzed. Often people who experience abuse wonder if it's their fault. A common point of confusion amongst survivors of domestic abuse is that they are somehow responsible for the abuse. And it makes it more difficult for them to seek help. Many people are afraid to reach out because they believe that they did something instigated the abuse in some way. Sometimes the abuser tells the victim that it's their fault outright. Sometimes the abusive behavior only happens with one person, that one victim and so it makes it harder for outsiders to see that it's an abusive relationship. And sometimes a person's even been to the doctor or a counselor and no one else has seen it or recognize the patterns. And if it wasn't shared outright, the victim can go on just thinking well, if it really was abuse, someone would say something. There are so many things that can keep it hidden that conversations and explorations are really the best path forward, taking it forward, sharing your thoughts with someone else. Most of this can be explored and better understood in conversation with a professional who's not inside the relationship with you and not being inside the relationship gives us a more objective perspective to recognize the patterns and power dynamics that are at play. And yeah, just give you an objective viewpoint, I guess. Do you have any insight on how you can handle like situations with people who are like trying to look for reasons to cope and like strategies and stuff have salutely Once we have identified that for sure. It is a case of intimate partner violence. And I'm just gonna pause there for a second because lots of people say IPv to

shorten the the words intimate partner violence. But I want you to stop doing that. I want everyone to stop doing that because it takes the impact out of the words, and it makes it seem less scary and less dangerous and it needs to be scary and dangerous. So when we know that it's intimate partner violence, priority number one is the safety of the person being victimized. So the first thing we do as professionals is assess the level of danger and create a safety plan, leaving an abuser can be incredibly dangerous and incredibly scary. So there are a few precautions that we can take. If you live with your parents, caregivers, or even roommates. The first step is to tell someone tell the people that you live with and be very clear about the violence. This allows people to understand the level of danger that you're in, and the level of danger that they might be in. If you stop seeing your abuser. If your abuser can't find you, they often lash out at the people around you. So it's best that they can make an informed decision about how to protect themselves. Something that we don't always think of is to check our phones. Check your phone for shared apps that share your location with your abuser or partner and remove them from your phone. Lock your social media block that person from all of your social media because you could be really surprised at how easily it is easy it is for people to pick up clues about where you are and what you're doing simply from a picture that you post change all of your passwords. If your partner has been paying attention to you typing passwords into your phone, or you voluntarily shared them with you, they may have access to things that you no longer are comfortable with them having access to. This is a good note moving forward to don't share your passwords ever.

If you live with your abuser, the first step is to get you out of the situation. So at the first opportunity connect with a family member or someone you trust to get you out of the situation, they can come get you or you can arrange to meet them somewhere. If you don't have family or friends available or nearby. Call a women's shelter or a domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time when you know you're not going to be interrupted, your abuser isn't around. If you're at school, this is a great time to take an opportunity to reach out to a teacher or a counselor or a nurse and make the phone calls that you need to make to find yourself a safe place to go. It's advisable to if you think that you are possibly in an abusive situation, pack an emergency bag, put things in it that you'll need when you leave like extra clothes and keys, medicines, little bit of a couple extra pills here in there. If you take something on a regular basis, important papers money, keep them all handy and close, easily accessible so that if you have to leave in a hurry that you can just grab things and go. And then if you are living with your abuser, once you're out then take the tech precautions that we talked about earlier like clearing off some of the apps on your phone and blocking your former partner from your social media. Once when someone's in a safe place and ready to move forward, my next step is to actually think through the stressors in relation to the relationship that they've been in.

Okay, listeners, we're going to take a quick break to announce today's prize code. The code is summer in all capital letters to enter to win, please click on the Google Form link in the description and follow the instructions. Thank you for your support. And now back to the show. Things like continued need for safety and resources. Their reaction to the loss of an intimate relationship and the effects of social isolation are all things that I have to keep in the front of my brain when I'm talking to clients who are working through a situation like this. Most importantly, it's my job to assess the client and see what the level of stress in their life is. And then the skills that they have for managing it. stress and resilience are something that are incredibly unique to each person. They're like a fingerprint. So if you have not experienced any stress in your life, then a little bit of stress might overwhelm you. But if you've experienced

A lot of stress in your life, then you may be able to manage more than the average person. So it all just depends on your genetics and your life experience. I use a trauma informed model it with every client that I work with, my first step is to ensure a positive relationship between myself and the client by making sure that they feel heard and understood that their fears and concerns are validated. The trauma informed principles that I operate from are acknowledging who they are and what they've been through making sure that they're safe, working to establish trust, making sure that they have choice and control in everything that we do together, bringing compassion to each and every session, and helping them understand that they are already operating from a place of strength just as a survivor, when the client is safe and ready to move forward. My process for working with trauma is to begin with a process called stair not like stare at you, but the stairs that you climb.

So stair is skills training in effective and interpersonal regulation. So what that really just means is that we use everything we know about how people think, make decisions, and relate to others, to help them recognize unhelpful thoughts and behaviors. So in counseling psychology, everything that we do is based on evidence and data, we study people in every situation to see what works and what doesn't work in a stair process. I start with psychoeducation, or just learning about how trauma impacts our emotions and our relationships. And then we work through what are emotional regulation skills, which emotional regulation skills are you comfortable and confident with, and which ones do we need to work on so that you can keep control of yourself in situations and manage your feelings, we work through effective expression of negative emotions, because all emotions are good emotions, even the bad ones. And we have to just learn how to work through them, how to share them, how to process them, and negative emotions, especially, we have to learn how to share those comfortably, confidently and without hurting other people. And then interpersonal skills. So how we relate to each other, really everything that we do is in relation to other humans, and in particular, intimate partner violence is a breach of trust. It's, it's the most important person in your life, breaking your trust with them and your trust in all people. Because if you can't trust that one person who knows you best, and who can you trust, and it becomes a very personal concern about love. And now I can't even trust my own instincts about people. And I can't trust whether or not I can make a good decision, because I've chosen this person to be part of my life. So interpersonal skills, and helping people understand that they're not broken, they just made a bad choice, and how we can move forward, what are the steps? How do we help people become assertive about what they need and the boundaries that they have to employ in their own lives. Now that I've said all of this is super important to understand that the what of counseling and the what of therapy really is very dependent on the counselor and on the client. So counselors often specialize in different approaches to problems and clients often respond better to one over the other. So for this reason, if someone feels like counseling isn't working for them, the best step forward is to ask your counselor to shift tell them that what you're doing isn't working. But also if you're insecure about confronting your counselor, which is possible, right? Because it feels like a power relationship. If that makes you uncomfortable, then seek out another counselor. Because wasting your time in therapy that isn't working is just another bad relationship, which is what we're trying to get out of. I think the last most important thing that I want to say is danger assessment is really the key skill here. So we've talked a lot about different ways to notice danger in your relationship and the relationships of the people around you. But we can never really be sure people that we second guess themselves in in danger assessments. So there's a really cool app called MyPlan in the app store and it's capital m capital P all one word. Look it up. It will walk you through AED danger assessment about whether or not you're in a relationship that poses a real threat to your safety.

Mr. Bing, thank you for sharing that. What should people look for if they want to get into relationship to ensure that they're safe? Well, this one's easier to answer.

First of all, don't put yourself in a situation where you are vulnerable with someone you don't know. So don't go on. I don't do people go on dates more. Yeah.

So don't Don't be alone in a private space with someone that you don't know everything about. Stay in public places for a long time until you know who they are until you've met their friends and family until your friends and family have met them. Never go anywhere without sharing your the details of your plans with at least one other person. There are apps you can put on your phone for safety and danger where you just press the button. And if you don't let go after a certain time, they'll send out an emergency text to all of your friends and family. Always keep a locator on your phone and attach it to someone that you you know, you can trust 100% A parent preferably or you know, Grandma Betty, if Grandma Betty has a phone, put your location information on her phone, we don't always want to share our location with our parents. I get it. Like I get it. But someone has to be able to locate you, in a case of emergency so fine. And if it's if it's your best friend that you've had, since you were four years old, great, they're good. But if it's your best friend that you've had since last week, maybe find someone more stable, not that it's not a good best friend, just

you know. Thank you again, Miss Laverty for being with us today and sharing your insights on how to prevent unhealthy relationships.

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